Ever the dwellers in minutiae and self-amusement, we thought we’d step this fruitcake nonsense up a notch and get a few choice sound bites from the folks who bring us this everlasting holiday treat. But conversations with a handful of top fruitcake producers/retailers revealed something more meaningful, something lost in a world of wireless transmissions and chain coffee. We came in search of laughs. We walked away with reverence, for these are quality folks who believe in a quality product (and they don’t shy away from a friendly gab session about their baked goods). And while I’m still not sure about those green candied cherries, at this point I’d rather grimace my way through a rummy four-pounder than savor every last bite of some Malibu tuna wrap that likely has a paper trail leading to Bill Gates.

Here’s what we learned from four fruitcake companies that shall remain nameless. If you listen to the sound clips, bear in mind that the voices have been disguised to protect those who actually have real jobs.

VENDOR A:

Hello, is this where I can order one of your fruitcakes?
Yes it is. Can you hold on a second? I gotta get the fruitcake batter off my hands.

There are a lot of fruitcake companies on the Internet. What makes yours different from the others?
I bake them all from scratch. I don’t know... they just taste good.

Do you use any special ingredients that the other folks might not use?
Yeah, things like real butter.

That means they have to be refrigerated?
They don’t have to be refrigerated until right before you slice them. You’d want to refrigerate it so you could get a real smooth slice. If it were out for four months or so, I would do something with it.

Are there preservatives in there that allow you to leave it out for that long?
The main preservative in fruitcake that keeps it so long is the sugar. That’s my understanding.

What’s the difference between the one-pound, two-pound, and three-pound fruitcakes?
It’s just the size.

Do you ever hide anything inside the batter? Special surprises, toys?
I try not to.

What got you into the fruitcake business?
I really liked my family’s fruitcake and I thought that it tasted better than all the rest of them. (laughs)

HEAR ::CLIP 1 ::CLIP 2

VENDOR B:

I’m trying to get a feel for what’s in these things. How is your fruitcake different?
That’s a good question. Ours is great, taste-wise.

How long can you leave them out at room temperature?
Let me check. (checks with somebody) You can keep it out no more than three months -- just sitting on your table.

How do they make them last for so long?
I believe it’s the secret ingredient. Everybody who orders by phone tells me that the longer it sits, the better it tastes.

On the Web site it says that this is a deluxe fruitcake. Do you have one that’s not deluxe?
The other cakes -- the pineapple/pecan, etc. -- are not deluxe.

What makes the deluxe cake deluxe?
That’s because these are our original cakes, our main cakes.

What’s the difference between the regular, medium, and large?
The size.

Do you like these cakes? You must get a lot of free fruitcake.
Well, I try the samples and I like it.

Are you sick of it by now?
No. I never really have time to go grab me some.

::HEAR A CLIP

VENDOR C:

I was on the Internet, and there are quite a few fruitcake sites out there. I’m trying to find the right one.
(friendly female voice) You called the right one!

Why are you guys the one?
We’re a quality fruitcake! It has lots of nuts and fruit.

Don’t they all have nuts and fruit?
Yes, but not as much as ours. A lot of them are just doughy.

Why don’t these things spoil if you leave them out at room temperature?
(male voice; turns out to be friendly as well) Who are you with, sir?

I was on your Web site, and I wanted to get some information -- like how long I can leave your cake out during the holidays.
Fruitcake has a high sugar content. Sugar is a natural preservative. There’s a slight amount of preservative that comes in the fruit -- one tenth of one percent of sodium benzoate -- but we don’t have to add any.

::HEAR A CLIP

VENDOR D:

It’s the sugar that preserves the cake. Is that right?
I’d have to refer that to somebody on the preservation side. (consults somebody on the preservation side) Yes, you are correct.

You don’t bake anything inside the cake -- like some type of surprise?
No sir. By the way, when you refrigerate it, it’s good for six months to a year. If you freeze it, it’s almost indefinite. You can get two years out of it no problem.

::HEAR A CLIP