Ernest Borgnine plays a grandfather spinning a pair of tales about what happens when Merlin opens up a shop in the 20th Century with hopes of bringing magic back to the world. First, a skeptical newspaper man discovers the power of sorcery -- the hard way -- by messing around with a book of spells. Soon the family cat is toast and he's aged hideously beyond his years. But that's no reason to tell the wife. "Uh... I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine," cracks Mike. In part two, a demonic toy monkey proves to be anything but the perfect birthday gift. What is the deal with Merlin and this shop of his? Tom Servo channels the wizard to find out. "Yes, it's my mission to release evil and gradually recover it following the deaths of many innocent people." Hmmm, maybe Merlin should have stayed back in the middle ages. "Remember to believe in magic," Crow chimes in. "Or I'll kill you."
"Softens hands while you do the dishes," Tom Servo murmurs just before we meet Jodie. Poor trusting Jodie. All he wants is to see a little bit of the country, but a wrong turn brings him to the wrong walnut farm. How could he know it harbors such a ghastly secret? A hideously disfigured Grandma hell-bent on murdering hapless victims with her pitch fork! "The American Gothic people take revenge," shrieks Mike. Then there's those creepy, misguided townsfolk and Melissa... oh, wait, she's a witch! Soon Grandma strikes again, this time dispatching the nosy deputy. "I meant to ask him in for pie, I don't know what happened," cackles Crow. All this and Jodie has yet to learn about Melissa's fiendish pact with Satan. Can he free her forever? And what will happen to Crow now that he's sold his soul to Satan as well? Hold on, that's a typo! Uh-oh, who the heck is Stan?
Things start off badly, Crow doesn't feel that our hero, Nick, quite measures up. "This is not our star, is it? I will not accept this as our star, sorry." But do looks really matter when you've invented a transport that can take you back and forth in time? Apparently so, for Crow dubs this flick: "The adventures of the average people." Nick may have perfected time travel, but he sure doesn't know how to protect himself from an evil corporate conglomerate out to destroy the planet with his invention. A fact he never would have known had he not decided to impress the plucky Lisa by taking her out to dinner and a future. Talk about a bad date. They just barely escape a world gone mad via dizzying special effects! "Fly through another spirograph drawing," pleads Mike to no avail. Questions remain. Did Spielberg really steal the whole frantically-racing-a-crashed-vehicle-down-a-tree-sequence from this mess for Jurassic Park?
... so sayest the opening credits. "To be NOT heard about. By anyone," counters Tom Servo. Our adventure begins with Professor Brian C. Lockart hearing that "The Creature" has once again been spotted prowling the swamps of Arkansas. A team of top students is quickly assembled -- this plot point makes perfect sense to Mike, "Yeah, when you major in boggy creek studies, you can pretty much write your own ticket." Fortunately, (or unfortunately) trekking though thick, bug infested swamp is no reason to wear much clothing. "Can I borrow a cup of shirt?" Crow asks as the under-developed Tim nervously approaches a picturesquely redneck cabin to continue his quest for the truth. Will the expedition be in vain? Will "the Creature" show itself at long last? If nothing else, maybe eat that pesky, oh-so-annoying Jetskier?