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Got a “Hearth-On” For Christmas!
Well rooty tooty my yuletide fruity booty if it ain’t just about time for ol’ La Stu to spread Holiday Cheer like flies on a company Christmas party chamber pot!
Growing up in the wily bearded and somewhat ribbed thatches of Black Oak Arkansas, the first Noels of Christmastime could be heard from miles around as Grammy LaStu hiked up her hoopskirt to kick-start her ’48 Indian Chief motorcycle to ride into town to sell her trademark pre-owned dental floss wreaths in the annual town Winter marketplace...
Pappy La Stu would get the family fire a-cracklin’ like a Jacko Pepsi hot-foot-floogey of-a-two-step by tap dancin’ the mashed potater for the local hospital folk in hopes that a wooden leg would be donated to the family hearth. What Pappy’s tap-dancin’ couldn’t wrangle up, his bathtub ‘shine could make up for in briar-hoppin’ spades!
Yessiree Bobcat-Goldthwait-a-minute-rice, the season to be jolly in Black Oak, Arkansas was as American as a tri-tip-sandwich heartburn and prettier than Bing Crosby in drag you bet yer sweet potato-brisket!
But you may be askin’ yourself how does the old Vicster ignite his flames of hot yule in this 21st century of ours? Does he spike the egg nog with Strawberry Hill and Oreo/Frito Pie? Play Jim Nabor’s inimitable rendering of Go Tell It On The Mountain til even the cave dwellers o’Mesapotamia are in the mood to ride shotgun with Santa? Elect the star of holiday perennial favorite Jingle All The Way to public office?
No kids you don’t even have to Burl your Ives this season nor Jack your Frost to get old Vic’s fireplace a-burnin’! Not with the pipin’ hot slice o’ virtual glowin’ embers known as The Happy Holiday Hearth the hard-workin’ elves at Rhino Home Video have served up like a hot steamy side of Kris Kringle-on-a-Shingle!
Why when this virtual jewel o’ yule is on my 19” Soviet Zenith, it don’t take long for Mrs.La Stu # 12 to Santa-little-help-herself to Vic’s log into her fireplace if you know what silver bell I’m dingle-dangle-dinglin’
You bet your sweet grilled gee wiliker sandwiches on country marbled rye with side of shut-yo-mouth this as real as Christmas gets for 8 bucks and change!
Why waste your precious donut ducats on wood that may burn or smoke that may convolute your creosote? Did you know most of the so-called real holiday fires require a real working fireplace? Who has time these days to play with such foolhardy technology without involving two sticks of wood, a chicken wing, and a prayer?
The Happy Holiday Hearth does the hearth work for you!
It puts the fire in its place...the television!
You can rest your chestnuts on an open fire but this Video Nutritionist is saving his log for different fireplace.
Happy Krimble and to all a good fortnight!
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