1
It's been a week of has-been celebrities.
First I went to the Pollstar Awards. I was standing RIGHT NEXT to Dean Torrance, and I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. He and Jan were my HEROES! But forty years later, to be standing next to him sharing a drink in the Wiltern lobby, was just too CREEPY! I mean I BELIEVED in this sixtysomething in the Hawaiian shirt who looked like somebody's dad. Somebody OLD'S dad.
But it wasn't just Dean. The Pollstar Awards is has-been HEAVEN! We had Tommy Shaw of Styx. Even Tommy, golden-haired Tommy, HE got old. And then K.C. God, he didn't look quite as bad as he did on "Behind The Music", still, "Get Down Tonight" was THIRTY YEARS AGO!
Maybe creepiest was Al Jardine. Who can't tour anymore under the Beach Boys' name. Which means he can't work at all. He presented this venue award. And, he started reminiscing about each and every venue as he read the nominees, knowing he was never going to appear in any of them again. It was like Albert Brooks in "Modern Romance", going through his rolodex, talking to the cards like they were his friends.
And it wasn't only Dean, they were ALL mingling in the lobby. Partying sans charisma, hanging just like normal people, with ME!
Talk about disillusioning.
I mean I USED to talk to these guys. When I first moved to L.A. When I'd never been UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL with a celebrity. Now I just give them their space.
Like Elliott Gould. Two days later I was combing the aisles of Whole Foods looking for potato chips for the Super Bowl. And I just about bumped into Hawkeye. Was he Hawkeye? God, WHICHEVER guy he was in "M.A.S.H." That was a SEMINAL movie. He couldn't have been any cooler. And now he's Monica's dad and he's shopping at Whole Foods, not even one in a GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD! I mean this wasn't Brentwood. Not even the superstore on Wilshire. This was SOUTH OF PICO! SOUTH OF OCEAN PARK! WHERE DID ELLIOTT LIVE??
Oh, the life of a has-been celebrity is rough.
But tonight was truly shocking.
Tonight I was looking for Daniel Glass.
He'd left me a message. He wanted to hook up. I told him we'd connect at the MusicCares dinner.
Only one problem, I COULDN'T FIND HIM! This put a City of Hope dinner to shame. There were THOUSANDS of people.
I didn't have Daniel's cell phone number with me, and service is lame at the Palladium, so I started combing the aisles.
And that's when I saw Ross Halfin.
Do you know Ross Halfin? Photographer to the stars? No, OF the stars! There was a time there when Ross was as big a rock star as the musicians themselves. Because, unlike a lot of the musicians, Ross has a PERSONALITY! He loves to whine, talk trash, HAVE A GOOD TIME!
And as I zero in on my old buddy Ross, to reminisce about the time when we were both working for Sanctuary, I noticed he was not alone.
No, Ross wouldn't come to a lame affair like this. It wasn't his style. He had to be WORKING!
He was there accompanying Jimmy Page.
"Whoa let the sun beat down upon my faceAnd stars to fill my dream"
I saw Led Zeppelin twice.
Once was on a rainy night in New Haven. Just before "Led Zeppelin III" was released. They were just going through the motions. It was SO disappointing. I was SO into the first album, and the second album was HUGE! Seeing this show, and hearing the resulting album, you had NO IDEA that the band hadn't jumped the shark. You had NO IDEA the fourth album was in the pipeline.
But the next time I saw the band, it was after "Physical Graffiti". After "Presence" in fact. When they played a week at the Forum. They KILLED!
Oh, they don't do it like that today.
First and foremost, the BUILDINGS were seedy. And SMOKY! This was BEFORE they had the smoking ban. God, going to the gig was like being in a MOVIE!
Jimmy had this long white jumpsuit. With flowers embroidered on the legs. And when he thrust the neck of that Gibson SG towards the crowd and hit the strings, a reverberation took place that's been unknown since. Don't talk to me about U2. U2 is REASONABLE! Hell, isn't Bono trying to save the WORLD?? Led Zeppelin wasn't interested in saving the world, they wanted to CONQUER the world, they wanted to rape and pillage it! TAKE IT ALL FOR THEMSELVES! The girls, the money, EVERYTHING!
They weren't talking to the press. They weren't marketing. They just had this incredible SOUND that caused kids EVERYWHERE to buy tickets to their shows, DESPITE the fact that every rock reviewer said they were overrated.
Oh, those were the days. When the agents and concert promoters were barely older than the audience. When we were all in it together. When we were changing the world. When we thought it was all MORE than a business.
And I'm standing inches from Jimmy Page. And I'll be honest, I'm feeling it a little. But I'm not about to have Ross introduce me. Because, what in the FUCK am I gonna say. Like all you true believers out there, what the fuck would you SAY if you met God??
But that's easy. Because God doesn't exist. Not THAT God. A white-bearded man in the sky.
But the God of the guitar. The man who changed my life. The man who is STILL changing lives. He was sitting right there. Like a traveling jewelry salesman out of his element.
2
No one goes for the music. Hell, usually, once the music begins, people LEAVE!
But stunningly, most of the attendees tonight stayed for the performances.
Oh, believe me, the action wasn't in the hall. We were busy hanging in the lobby. Doing deals, talking shit.
Not that we couldn't HEAR the music.
The Backstreet Boys MAULED "I Get Around". I mean wasn't that their calling card? Their VOICES??
Nick Carter ended up standing next to me for about fifteen minutes. And, he looked as lost as a high schooler on a field trip who's gotten separated from the group. NOBODY wanted to talk to him.
Oh, people were clamoring to get next to Heather Locklear.
Got to tell you, she looked PRETTY damn good. She's no Pam Anderson. She's not trashy, she's CLASSY! But her husband stunk up the joint. Made it look like Jon Bon Jovi had ALL the talent. And ain't THAT a scary thought.
Oh, one performer after another evidenced COMPLETE MEDIOCRITY! It was truly frightening.
Actually, to tell you how bad everybody was, BRIAN WILSON WAS BETTER THAN THEY WERE! And you know Brian tends to sing FLAT!
But Brian was in pretty good voice tonight.
But he wasn't the highlight.
I had to see Jeff Beck.
Funny thing about Jeff Beck. He still LOOKS like a rock hero. From forty or fifty feet away, he seems not to have aged A BIT! He's got the shaggy hairdo, he's bearing no flab. But, his performance was marred...by the fucking BACKUP BAND! Beck was playing an instrumental version of "Surf's Up". Which could really work, if you know his take on "Day In The Life". But the fucking RHYTHM guitarist stepped all over his lines. And although there was no lead singer, the band sang the BACKUP vocals. I mean what the fuck is up with THAT? I mean it's a fucking INSTRUMENTAL VERSION!
But at the end, Jeff worked it out a bit. Wailed. To show us who was boss.
And then he did one more number. "Surfin' U.S.A." And to hear him nail that opening guitar sound, the one in your DNA, and have it be an exact replica of the original, but BETTER! THAT made his performance.
Still, I was a bit disappointed.
But then I was saved. By Barenaked Ladies.
3
"Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did"
You can only hate Barenaked Ladies from afar. Because up close it's clear that they're not pretending. They ARE the nerds from math class. They're not trying to put anything OVER on us.
And they work so hard. They don't take the cash for granted.
So you give them a break.
And if you dig beneath the novelty hits, they do have some great material. If I had to whittle my iTunes library down to ten tracks, "Baby Seat" would be included.
But, you don't have to be more than a casual fan to know one of the LEGENDARY BNL tracks. The one that cemented their career in the eyes of the cognoscenti. I'm speaking, of course, of "Brian Wilson".
"Drove downtown in the rain nine-thirty on a Tuesday nightJust to check out the late night record shopCall it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insaneBut when I'm surrounded I just can't stop"
You don't want to meet your heroes. It's so disillusioning.
Joni Mitchell is one of the most difficult people I've never met. And I wouldn't say she's warm and tender either.
And I've never fully connected with Jackson Browne.
But these are two of my favorite artists EVER! And it's not only what their records SOUND LIKE, but what they're SAYING! You get the feeling that if you could just meet them, you'd connect, be SOUL MATES!
But that isn't true.
Music is made to be consumed alone.
Music is something that happens in your head only.
It's best in your bedroom after dark. Or in the living room on a Saturday afternoon. The sound surrounds you, penetrates you, EMBRACES YOU!!
That's the magic.
And that's the way "Brian Wilson" sounds.
I'd like to tell you there was magic in Neil Young's performance tonight.
But I'd be lying if I said there was. He was going through the motions. He just wasn't translating what was INSIDE him to US!
And that's what Brian Wilson's best material did. "In My Room" being the definitive statement.
When Barenaked Ladies took the stage, the hoi polloi started talking. They didn't care. This is not a band with charisma.
But then the synapses started to fire. I mean could it be that they're on the bill because... Could someone REALLY be thinking that deeply? Is someone involved with this overblown affair REALLY that hip?
Turns out they were. Because at this gala tribute to Brian Wilson, Barenaked Ladies got up and sang the signature song. To the overweight, mentally troubled composer who changed our lives.
"And if you want to find me I'll be out in the sandboxWondering where the hell all the love has gonePlaying my guitar and building castles in the sunAnd singing 'Fun, Fun, Fun'"
Actually, as an encore, Brian actually DID do "Fun, Fun, Fun". And it was one of the highlights.
But it was secondary to BNL's performance.
Because not only did BNL play "Brian Wilson", halfway through they segued into "'Til I Die". Probably the most beautiful Beach Boys record ever cut.
Unfortunately, this they did not nail. But the sentiment was right!
4
I finally did locate Daniel Glass.
After wandering the hall for an hour, and giving up, it turned out he was sitting at the very next table. Next to Jonathan Edelstein of the FCC.
Oh, he WORKS for the FCC. Kind of interesting.
No, it turned out that this Jonathan Edelstein was one of the five FCC COMMISSIONERS!
That was cool. THAT was probably the highlight of the evening.
Because unlike just about everybody who performed tonight, Jonathan Edelstein's career wasn't frozen solid, cast in stone, done. He was still relevant. He was making POLICY!
Oh what a long strange trip it's been when the bureaucrat is more exciting than the player.
But never forget, it's not about the player, but the SONG!
Truly, they're just human beings, like you and me. Get up close enough and you'll find that out.
BUT, for a moment there, they channeled greatness. They created these records that enriched our lives. That CHANGED our lives.
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