Once upon a time a peasant scribe lived in a dank and wretched cottage where he spent his days quaffing ale and inventing limericks. One night the scribe awoke from a drunken slumber to find his purse empty. He lamented, “I have not a single coin. I must go to the village and see a picture upon which I shall render judgment. For my words I shall be paid many a farthing.” He donned his best garments from ye olde navy and left his cottage.
His journey to the village took him through the Hollow of The Little People. There he encountered the Elf Tommy jumping wildly in the path. “See my picture,” begged Tommy, “for it is a war not of men but of worlds, and I earn points on the gross.” “I care not,” the bedeviled scribe replied, “for I know of the fair maiden Katie and of the poisonous spell you have cast upon her.” The scribe then shoved the Elf Tommy into a thatch of elderberry and made haste. Soon the Elf Robby appeared in his path. “Once more I am a gigolo,” cried Robby, “See my picture, for it contains many a joke begat of the penis.” “I shall not,” the angry scribe replied, “for even the mightiest wind blows less than your movies.” And as the scribe continued wolves set upon the Elf Robby and chased him toward the lowly Kingdom of Pee Wee the Exiled.
As he entered the Forest of the Fortyish, the scribe was accosted by the ogre Cusack. “Whosoever must love dogs must see my picture,” bellowed the ogre. The scribe’s eyes grew heavy. “Be gone,” he cried, “For even the thought of your picture sends me towards slumber.” And the scribe trudged on, but was soon confronted by humble Carell. “What say you,” Carell asked, “to me as a virgin of two score years?” And the scribe said, “Verily, good man, I shall see your picture, though not until it takes the form of a rental.”
Thus, when the scribe arrived at the village he had but one choice: The Brothers Grimm. It was full of enchanted creatures, magical beings and wicked curses. And the scribe fell under its spell. It was loud and lusty and overwhelmed his senses, much like Hansel’s bachelor party, though without any damsel on damsel action. The scribe rendered his judgment on The Brothers Grimm and his words were carried near and far. “Hear ye, hear ye,” wrote the scribe, “a picture worthy of a lord’s ransom is upon us. Those who behold it shall live happily, more or less, ever after.”
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