I've been listening to K-EARTH 101 lately and what a strange thing it is. Who was it that decided we need to hear The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody" several times a day for the remainder of our earthly lives? K-EARTH is, of course, the mothership of oldies stations, but precisely what constitutes an oldie? Lets look.
Oldies is an extremely proscribed term in the gospel according to K-EARTH. For starters, oldies pretty much begin in 1960. You might hear the occasional '50s track by Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard or Eddie Cochran, but you can bet they'll select the lamest track to play. Cochran's "Summertime Blues," (obviously a great song) perhaps, or Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti," Jerry Lee's "Great Balls Of Fire," but you'll never hear anything obscure or remotely dirty by these guys—and they made some damn fine dirty records, too.
The '60s are where it's at for K-EARTH, but their sliver of the pie is a wee one indeed. Motown gets a big thumbs up, but again, they invariably play the wrong tunes. Take the Temptations; sure, "Can't Get Next To You" is a cool song (Al Green's version is vastly superior to the original), but what about "Ball Of Confusion" or "Papa Was A Rolling Stone"? No, you won't hear them and here's why: K-EARTH is extremely squeamish about the late '60s, which is when those records were cut. The late '60s icons—Janis Joplin, the Jefferson Airplane, the Doors, Jimi Hendrix—are virtually absent from their playlist, but for the one approved track per artist: The Doors' "Light My Fire," Hendrix's "Purple Haze," the Airplane's "Somebody To Love," and Joplin's "Piece Of My Heart." These are rarities, however and you won't hear them often.
That leaves plenty of time to play "Cherish" by The Association, "Sunny" by Bobby Hebb, and The Righteous Brothers' "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" repeatedly (K-EARTH loves the Brothers). What do these songs have in common? They're all extremely sappy. There are, of course, good sappy songs—K-EARTH staples "I'm Into Something Good" by Herman's Hermits, and "Because" by the Dave Clark Five are excellent examples—but generally the station has a fascinating genius for ferreting out the bad sappy songs and putting them into heavy rotation.
K-EARTH does pay lip services to the giants of the '60s, but lip service is all it is, as each of these artists is generally allotted one or two songs, while the rest of their catalogue is left to molder in the closet. Which Dylan song do they play? "Like A Rolling Stone." How about Aretha? "Respect" and "Natural Woman." The Beach Boys? "Help Me Ronda" and "Good Vibrations." Van Morrison? "Brown Eyed Girl" and "Moondance." The Beatles? "Hey Jude" (ugh!), "The Long And Winding Road," "Let It Be," and "Michelle"—all their worst shit! You will never hear "Helter Skelter" or "Tomorrow Never Knows" on K-EARTH. Why? Because they're provocative songs and K-EARTH aims to be as soothingly vanilla as possible.
And how do they do that? They play "Mustang Sally" by Wilson Pickett, "Just Gimme Some Kinda Sign" by Benton Wood, and "California Dreamin'" by The Mamas And The Papas over and over again. There's nothing wrong with any of these tracks, but what about all the rest of the great music these artists created? Why can't we hear the rest of it?!!! As for the '70s, well, forget it. Disco and punk? There's no place for that stuff in K-EARTH'S Happy Days world. K-EARTH says a firm no thank you to the '70s.
The point of this diatribe—which pretty much applies to radio in general—is to raise a voice in protest against how ridiculously narrow the programming is. I've heard tell of the wonders of satellite radio, and the miraculous mix of music that gets played there, but why do you have to be rich enough to buy some fancy gizmo in order to have a decent radio experience? It's not right, I tell you. I demand a recount!
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